An Itch to Scratch

"Please." he shook his head. "I'll sleep in there. You don't have to sleep in there, it's not a problem for me. I wouldn't feel right letting you do that."

"It's my choice."

"Yeah, but still." he said.

"I sleep in the guest room or I'll just use the couch in here."

"Fine, fine. Guest room it is. Though you'll have to wait for your parents to leave for that."

She was silent for a while. "We were just having mind blowing sex not even an hour ago, and now we're talking about divorce." She snorted bitterly. "I can't figure it out, y'know. Why everything I say or do just gets you so nervous and quiet. In the past, I know that I've been less than easy to deal with, and I know there have been plenty of times when I was awkward with you too, but I told you why. You understood why I was the way I was and you tried to fix it and make me comfortable. But with you.. it's like, I can't fix anything, or change what I do or say because I don't know what it is that bothers you about me." she shook her head. "I feel like you have it stuck in your head that I don't want you or I don't want to be around you anymore. And every time I leave the room, even if it's to go to the kitchen to cook, you think I'm getting ready to pack my bags and just leave you for good."

She stood up from the bed and started to pace the floor. Again, she tried not to get emotional, but it was a little harder this time and her voice started to waver as she spoke. "And I'm just like, fuck, what do I have to do to let him know that I'm in this for real? No matter how differently I wish things would have gone down, the fact of the matter is that we're married, and we're here. And we both fucked up in a lot of ways, but we're still in this, trying to make it better. But we can't make it better, because you have it set in your head that I'm still going to leave you. You don't think I'm strong enough to handle tough times. And a long time ago, I wasn't. But I am now. That's why you clam up, that's why we're uncomfortable around each other, that's why you're always apologizing for stupid things and taking blame for things that aren't really your fault. Because you're just so convinced that I'm going to leave.

"And that fucking bugs me, Phil." She wiped a tear away as she continued to pace. "You -never- used to do that. You used to be so confident in yourself, and in us, and you used to make me think that everything was going to be okay no matter what. I don't know what happened to that confidence. Maybe I took that away from you," she shrugged sadly. "And I'm sorry. But I need my husband back, just like you need your wife back. I need you to be my rock. I don't like all of this 'I don't know' shit that we're doing, because we have no direction. And a relationship that doesn't have direction needs to be over. And.. I don't fucking want it to be over." She sniffled and finally broke down. "I-I don't know what I have to do to convince you that I love you and I'm here for you. But if you keep this up then I'm going to -have- to leave. Because the tension in this house is making everyone miserable, and I refuse to be miserable again."

"Let me tell you why I'm not so confident anymore." he told her. "Yeah, I was positive Phil all the time and was able to make everything better. Then when we had our problems a few months back and you spent your time with Roman, that really ticked me off. I brushed it off because I figured, well if she's back with me then there's no reason to be upset, but it fucked with my mind, it really did. This man should have seen that you're taken when you have your wedding ring on, he should have known to back the fuck off because you're mine. Possessive? Hell yeah, I have every right to be. Then I find out that when you were out of the house, he's over there keeping you company. I'm sorry but the images of another man comforting my wife, holding her and kissing her ticked me off too. The fact that my own son saw, even though you didn't know he did, ticks me off. The fact that my own son hates me and could probably care less if I fucking left or died really ticks me off. For a while I was like, shit...how bad of a man and husband am I if my wife has to go to some other guy? I know damn well if roles were switched and that were me, I'd be a dead man right now. I've wanted to go find this guy and beat him down, show him not to touch what isn't his." he growled as he balled his fists up. "So yeah, maybe after a while I was like fuck it, why be positive when everything keeps getting worse and worse. It felt like nothing was changing no matter what I said or did. But at the end of the day Lace, I can't fucking leave or let you go. I refuse to let that happen and I want things to pick up and get better from here, I really do. I know you're here for me and love me because at the end of the day, you chose to come back to me and work on things. I see it even if you think I don't. I'm over this and I am ready and willing to be the man that you want back. I'm going to be the husband I used to be and be your rock."

She wiped at her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. It felt good to hear him say that. "I went to him because it just felt like you took me for granted." She sniffled. "I'm not saying it was right. And God, I wish I wouldn't have done it and if I could take it back I would. I just didn't feel special anymore." she shook her head. "And he made me feel special."

He sighed and reached out for her, pulling him to her gently as he stood up and wrapped his arms around her. "I never meant to make you feel like that and if I could go back and change things, I would. We're here now though and we can change and make things for the better. I may not know how to do it right away, but we will figure it out together."

She sighed and nodded. "Okay."

"Okay." he nodded and continued to hold her to him.

She sighed and just let herself relax into him. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"Everything."

"Don't." he said "We keep playing the 'I'm sorry' game and it's not going to solve anything. We both did a lot of shit to each other but we need to move on. We can't keep reliving it or we'll never get better."

"Then I'm sorry for reliving it."

He sighed. "I'll forgive you only if you try not to do it anymore. I'm going to do the same too."

"I'll try."

"That's all I ask then."